Lacuna

(font:"Century Gothic")[“I will take it all: tongs, molten lead, prongs, garrotes, all that burns, all that tears, I want to truly suffer. Better one hundred bites, better the whip, vitriol, than this suffering in the head, this ghost of suffering which grazes and caresses and never hurts enough.” – Jean Paul Sartre] [[(Command Prompt opens by itself on your computer)]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Wha--What... Hello? Is anybody there? [[Umm... hello.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Thank god. Where are you? I can't see you... I can't see anything. What's going on? Who are you? [[What do you mean you can't see anything? Who is this?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Wait, can you see? Why can't I see? [[Um... of course I can see. Now tell me who this is. I'm serious. Did you hack my computer?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Hack your computer? What the hell are you talking about? ... Forget it. What do you see? It's completely dark in here. Are you in the next room? You sound like you're right next to me. It's... wet. It's wet in here. I don't feel good... I'm starting to freak out a little, man. Please, just tell me what's going on here. [[How can I possibly sound like I'm right next to you? We aren't talking. I've got to say, this is probably the worst virus I've ever seen. What, you're doing this just to have someone to mess with? Is that it?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Obviously we're talking, otherwise I wouldn't hear you. Why are you messing with me? Where am I? Did you kidnap me? [[Okay, I'll play along. What's your name?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> My name is Merlin. What's yours? [[I guess I could tell you my name...]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I... I woke up in here. I don't know how I got here. The last thing I remember... oh, man, I don't feel good. I don't know how I got here. I can remember things, I just don't know how long ago it was. I was in my apartment. I guess I spend almost all of my time there. Oh, shit! My cat! How long have I been here? My cat... [[So, you're trying to tell me that you just woke up one day... inside my PC's command prompt?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ... ... [[If you're not some lonely hacker screwing with me, then I don't know what you are.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> No, no, I swear $name, no. I'm telling the truth. Honest to god. I don't know what happened, I never leave my apartment, maybe I had an accident? Fell and hit my head? Oh shit. Are you God? Is this purgatory? [[Nope, just a college kid with what is apparently a really shitty antivirus.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I can't remember... I can't remember... I'm not a bad person. I swear. I don't hurt anybody. Hell, I never talk to anybody, how could I hurt someone? I try to just keep to myself. It's better that way. Whenever I try to make friends, I become a burden on them. ... It was the same with my family. My entire life. I've always been such a burden... [[Don't say that, man. I'm sure you're a great guy. You just have to put yourself out there, you know?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Sigh. You don't know what it's like. I'm 36 years old. My entire life has been one failed effort after the other. All I have anymore is my cat. My parents won't even talk to me. Well, they talk to me, but they just try to pretend everything is okay, like I'm just a normal guy in a rough patch. "Rough patches" don't last as long as mine has. I can't even work. Every morning, I try to get out of bed, and it's like trying to drink the ocean. I spend half the day trying to get up, and the other half waiting for it to be over. I can't even make it to my computer some days. Huh, my computer... [[What is it?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I don't know, something about my computer... I don't know. Sorry, I guess I just lost my train of thought. [[Tell me more about your cat?]] [[I'm sorry about your parents. That sounds rough.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> My cat. Her name is Nimeu. My boyfriend got her for me right before... well... She was just a little kitten. That was a long time ago now... eight years maybe? Four? Ten? I don't know. Time is hard to keep track of for me, all the days. Or maybe every day feels like a long series of the same day. It was that way before, too, but I mean, I had something to smile about each day then. [[Why'd you guys break up?]] [[Nimeu, that's an interesting name.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> It's okay. I'm used to it by now. Really, I've always been kind of depressed. Even as a kid, life was just... confusing. I never really saw the point of it. Even if you have a happy life, like, what is the meaning in happiness? Maybe it's because I've just always felt so distanced from myself. It started when I was around 13. I've never really felt like a person. I don't experience emotions the same way I think others do. They don't grip me. I just sort of watch them float by. Sometimes it's kind of amusing, like watching a TV show. More often than not, though, it's just frustrating. In grade school, kids tried to pick on me, but they stopped because I never really had an emotional reaction to it. [[That's awful young to be feeling that way.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> We didn't. Robert got hit by a car while he was walking across the parkway with his bicycle. The car in the lane closest to him slowed down and stopped, but the car behind it swerved into the left lane and... yeah. He was with his younger brother, who also got hit. But his brother went over the top of the car, not underneath like Robert did. They didn't even call me when it happened, his family. I had to call his brother when Robert didn't come home or answer his phone. Guess that shows what they thought of me... I think they figured I wasn't worth his time. That I wasn't good enough for him. We were together for six years, and still, every time they'd ask me what I was doing for work or for hobby, they would look disappointed. I guess that's probably because I never really had a job or any hobbies, ha. Kind of pathetic. I don't know. Robert, though, he didn't care. He understood me, and he loved the hell out of me. He was the most supportive man a guy like me could've asked for. Even when the best I could give him was very little, he saw that it was still my best. [[Oh, geez. Wow. I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry you lost him, it sounds like he was really good for you.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah, he was. I never felt like I was good for him in return, but he always said I was. I guess all I can do now is still try to believe that was true. His family is really religious. He was too, a Christian. I never got it, I don't believe in that stuff myself, but it wasn't a big deal in our relationship. He never went to church the way the rest of his family does. Or did... I haven't talked to any of them since the funeral. They're all sure he's living it up in heaven somewhere. Playing basketball with Jesus or whatever Christians believe. [[Isn't it nicer to think he might be in heaven, even if you aren't religious?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Sure, I mean, it's nice to think about. But I can't make myself believe something like that. I don't really know what happens after you die. I sort of figure that our brain shuts down, and any lifeforce we have with it breaks up into a billion particles and dissipates. I don't really believe in any sort of afterlife, religious or not. All that spirit- and ghost-hunting on TV is just made up stuff too. I figure it's just darkness... well, not even that. Darkness implies that there's something conscious to perceive it, right? Maybe it's just... nothingness. [[Darkness, kind of like...]] [[What do you think about the idea of having a soul? Souls are probably different than lifeforce. What happens to that?]] [[Isn't that kind of depressing?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Very funny. I don't know, $name. If I were dead, don't you think I'd know it? I've watched a lot of YouTube videos on what happens when you die. To your consciousness, I mean. There are a lot of ideas out there, but all of them seem to involve the person knowing they're dead, or at least wandering around the world in ghost-form trying to figure out what happened to them. [[Well, maybe you aren't dead then.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I don't know. I've thought about souls a lot. I wish there was proof. Solid evidence that we even have souls. You know? I'm not some "it's not real if there isn't science" kind of guy. Science isn't my religion. But some things are hard to fathom. Anyways, personally, I would guess we have souls. But if we were to keep it after we die... wouldn't that mean that it probably came from somebody else before us? Or does every infant born get a brand new soul? I want to believe in some kind of afterlife. Maybe not some religious afterlife, like heaven or hell or purgatory, but just... something. Something where things could be better than they are in life. [[What would it look like? If you could choose, I mean.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Sure. But so is the world, you know? It seems like even the good things just... depress me. Everything feels so fake. [[Fake in what way?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Peaceful, if not total oblivion. Honestly, total oblivion sounds peaceful in itself. It's just a stupor, unaware of what's happening to you. If you're not aware of anything going on, not even aware of your own thoughts, doesn't that sound peaceful to you? Maybe it would be like getting pumped full of morphine. Nothing but pleasant feelings. I could be down with that. [[If we knew for sure what happens when you die, I would guess a lot more people would be offing themselves.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> That's the danger with most religions, isn't it? You crack up the afterlife to be so great that people just want to hurry up and get there. I suppose that's why most religions have horrifying afterlifes, too. Like purgatory and hell. They tell you the afterlife is amazing, but you can't buy your own ticket in. Otherwise you end up in some kind of Dante's Inferno. [[What do you think of people who aren't religious but choose to end their own lives?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I understand it. Hell, I've thought about it many times myself... Like I said, peace. I think that's what anybody who wants to end their life is going for. An escape. I can't imagine ending my own life if I thought the consequence would be worse than what is already my reality. I've always managed to talk myself out of it, though. Honestly, Nimeu, my cat, plays a huge part. People can learn to live with loss. But my cat? What would my cat think? I've been feeling that way a lot more, though, lately. Just overwhelmed. [[What have you been telling yourself this time to keep yourself going?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I mean, I wouldn't guess that I'm dead. It's still dark in here. [[What can you feel?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> It feels, honestly, kind of like a cave. Have you ever gone caving? In the town that I grew up in, there were a couple of caves made from lava rivers underground. It was so disorienting to turn your light off. Instant darkness, not the kind you see when you wake up in the middle of the night. No, it was total, utter darkness, where you can't see if you're waving your hand in front of your face or not. And you never felt safe to move in that darkness, because you had no idea what was beneath your feet or right in front of you. You might as well have your eyes closed. [[Hmmm. What are you doing right now? Physically?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I'm just sitting on the ground. It's hard, but smooth. And wet. At least it's not cold water. It's kind of warm, actually, but I feel like it's getting colder in here. There's a dripping noise coming from somewhere. Other than that, the only other thing in here is your voice. I'm really glad you're here, $name. This would be a lot more terrifying without someone to talk to. Thanks for keeping me distracted. [[Sure. I don't really know what to make of this so far. I don't know whether to believe you.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I don't know what to make of this either. Believe me. [[Maybe we should focus on the last thing you remember?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> The last thing... I'm still not sure what the last thing I remember is. I do remember something about Nimeu, though. She... oh, she's at my neighbor's! Two doors down. Really sweet old lady, she just loves Nimeu. Back when I would let Nimeu just wander the apartment floor, she would always wind up at that neighbor's house, getting little treats and what-not. The apartment manager obviously had a problem with letting Nimeu wander around, so I had to start keeping her inside my own place, but whenever I run into my neighbor in the hallway she asks if she can say hi to her. [[She sounds nice. But why did you take your cat over there?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I tell myself... ... Honestly, $name, I can't really remember. Like I said earlier, it's all kind of fuzzy. [[Maybe we should focus on the last thing you remember?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Like, that everybody is making up their own meaning in order to keep themselves going, if that makes any sense. That there is no real meaning to life. It's all just whatever people decide to place meaning in. It's the same for every person. They're all just... tricking themselves into being happy. [[You're right. That does sound pretty depressing.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah, I don't know. I didn't use to see the world this way, but once I discovered that, I could never not see it in people. Something as stupid as watching two people have a conversation is frankly disgusting to me. It's all I see anymore. Did you ever play that SIMS game? It's like that, just watching two meaningless video game characters talk to each other about something equally as meaningless. For what purpose? Does it even matter what they're talking about? [[What gives you meaning? Or what have you tricked yourself into finding meaningful, then?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I don't know. My cat, I guess. Nimeu is the closest thing I have to a friend. Nimeu... I feel like it's starting to come back to me a little bit. I was so worried about her earlier, but now I feel like she might not even be at my apartment. [[Maybe we should focus on the last thing you remember?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> It came on hard and fast. It was sort of like taking the red pill from the Matrix. One day I just... could see through everybody. I don't know, maybe that makes me sound like a narcissist. I actually tried to kill myself back then, when I was 13. Sorry if that's too much information for you. [[At 13? Why on earth would you try that so young?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Well, really, I was trying to put myself in a coma more than I was trying to kill myself. I think I just wanted a break from life. To disappear from the world and from myself for a little while. Anyways, I didn't try very hard. For some reason I thought drinking bleach would be the best way to go. I remember locking myself in the bathroom late at night, after my family had gone to sleep. I don't know how much I drank, but it wasn't even enough to make me vomit, let alone send me to the hospital. [[Did you even consider that it could have killed you?!]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I did, but really, I didn't care back then. Or now, even. I was ready to give up. I felt terrible about myself for a long time afterwards, telling myself that I didn't have the courage to go through with it. I still have that urge, all throughout my life. It would be nice if I could just be put in a medically induced coma for awhile or something. [[Have you ever been unconscious?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Unconscious as in, from being hit in the head or something? No. There was this one time, though, where I almost lost consciousness. Actually, I thought I was going to die. I had been out drinking and decided to throw back a shot. There was this group of guys I was trying to hang out with, and they wanted me to try what they called a Baby Guinness. Part Kalua, part Bailey's or something of that sort. Anyhow, I never throw back shots, I suck at it. I wanted to impress them, though, so I tried, but it went down my windpipe. Long story short, I ran to the restroom and locked myself in. I couldn't breathe whatsoever. Hitting myself in the chest didn't help at all. [[Obviously you managed to cough it up eventually, though?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah, eventually. Not until the very last minute, though. My vision started to cloud. I have no idea how long I went without breathing, but I'm sure it was minutes. It's actually pretty vivid, my memory of what it felt like. I sat down on the bathroom floor, barely anything left of my vision, and thought to myself, "okay, this is it, this is how I'm going to die." And you know what? I was okay with it. It was peaceful. I felt ready. Right after I accepted what was going to happen next, I rolled over onto the ground and started couging. I could hardly speak for days after that, my throat was so jacked up. [[Yikes. At least it would have been peaceful, right? If you had died then.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah, that's the most I expect of death. That it will at least be peaceful. I'm scared to go out in a way that's painful. One thing for sure is, I will never use something like bleach if I were to ever kill myself. [[Kill yourself?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I mean, if I were to do it, I would want to do something that would let me just sort of slip away. At least, that's how I feel right now. Sorry, you can stop me if this is uncomfortable to talk about. [[No, it's okay, you can go on.]] [[Maybe we should focus on the last thing you remember?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Okay, thanks, $name. What I was going to say is, that's how I feel right now. Sometimes I picture myself dying really violently. Laying down on the train tracks behind my apartment, or buying a gun and putting it to my head, or trying to get myself shot by a police officer. I've spent more time than I'd care to admit researching it. There are websites that tell you everything you'd need to know about various methods, like success rates and supplies and how-to tutorials. [[Don't you ever think about what will happen when you die?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Of course I do. I expect it will be instant nothingness. But there are a lot of things that could happen. Maybe the major religions are right, and I will end up in some sort of hell or purgatory. Or maybe my soul will go to some never-before-fathomed soul world and just... exist with other souls. Either way, I certainly expect it to be better than what I have to go through every day. Or, frankly, maybe it won't be better. Maybe it will be far worse. There's really no way of telling. I guess it's more of a question of how intolerable your current life is, compared to the level of risk regarding what the afterlife could hold. A sort of cost-benefit analysis, ha. [[If we knew for sure what happens when you die, I would guess a lot more people would be offing themselves.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I'm not really sure. I'll have to try to think harder. [[Okay, you do that. Hey, I'm getting really tired, I think I might go to bed here pretty quick...]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Will you be back? [[Yeah, I'll get back on in the morning. Will you still be here?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I mean... I guess? I still don't really know what's going on. I seriously hope I get to talk to you more when you get up, man. It's really lonely in here. [[Okay. Talk to you later.]]

(font:"Century Gothic")[... ... (Morning comes) ... [[(Reopen Command Prompt)]]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Hey! $name! You came back! Oh my god. I have so much to tell you. Well, not really that much, but something crazy happened, dude. You're never going to believe this. [[Out with it!]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Okay, okay, so, I couldn't sleep at all while you were gone. And not like, insomnia or anything close to it. I just feel awake, like I'm not getting tired at all. Anyways, I sat around for awhile, no idea how long. But then this incredible thing happened. The entire... place, wherever I am... sort of... I don't even know how to explain it. It *moved*. Not a lot, just enough to perceive it. And then, oh man, it's so weird, I don't know if you're going to believe me. [[What? What happened?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Right in front of me... I didn't even realize there was a wall there... but right in front of me, two giant skylights opened up. Really slowly at first, but they stayed open for a long time before closing again. Then they sort of opened and closed for awhile. But... I could see out them. It was my bathroom, man, my bathtub. I could see my bathtub. [[Your... bathtub?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah, my bathtub. It... oh, no. God. [[What? Why would you be seeing your bathtub? That doesn't make any sense.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> That's it, $name. That's it. That's my last memory. I didn't realize it until I started to tell you, I've just been so excited to have seen something. But... yeah. I remember getting into the bathtub now. [[...Okay?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah. My mom was real into mythology and stuff like that. I was named after this guy, Merlin, who was supposedly some kind of prophet. Way back in King Arthur's time. I read a couple of stories online about him, and he had this lady he was in love with named Nimeu. It's kind of a weird story, though. I know it's just folklore, but nobody seems to be able to agree on what happened to Merlin in the end. [[Cool. I'm into that stuff too. What do they say happened to him?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Well, in some accounts, Nimeu just kills him because she doesn't love him back as much as he loves her. She was scared of him, because she was afraid he'd use magic to make her sleep with him, but she stuck around anyways to learn how to use magic herself. In other versions, she doesn't kill him. She just traps him in a cave for the rest of eternity, where he supposedly remains. Made him immortal first I guess. Some accounts describe him going absolutely bonkers in there. I mean, I probably would, too. Alone, in a dark cave, for all of eternity? [[Huh, that's pretty dark. Kind of funny that you named your cat after her, though, when Nimeu was just using Merlin then screwed him over like that in the end.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Ha... you've obviously never owned a cat, $name. Really, it's the perfect name. I love the hell out of Nimeu, but cats are pretty independent. She loves me too, I'm sure of it, but she would be just as happy alone. She just uses me for attention and food. [[Hmm... that's not a very healthy way to view relationships, even with a cat.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Isn't that how everything is, though? People, I mean. All anybody wants is to be desired and praised. That's all relationships are; each person is attempting to fulfill their own needs by using the other person. Maybe that's why I don't really have any friends. It's all I see. They just try to use me for their own benefit. Even if they're kind and generous, it's because they get off on being that way. [[Yikes, dude.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> That's the way things go. I'd rather just be alone. I'm happier that way. [[Alone, like in the place you are in now? Would you rather I leave you be?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> No... no, no. Don't go, $name. I don't know, dude. I've spent years being alone. Ha, half the time I even order my groceries to be delivered to my door. I just hate talking to people. But I can't imagine being in here alone. Hell, if I could go back, I don't think I would want to be alone anymore. [[That's quite the change of heart.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I suppose. I don't know. This place is really scary. I would give anything to be able to see you, man. Sorry if that sounds weird. It's just... I've been isolating myself for so long, but I've never felt quite like I do in here. [[It's probably different because it isn't on your own terms. I wonder how Merlin, the folklore Merlin I mean, felt being trapped in that cave.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Shit, man. I did it. I really did it. I've thought about it for so long, and I've planned it out so many times but I never went through with it, but this time... I did it. I guess I really did it. I think I'm dead. [[Hold up. You did what??]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I ended it, $name. I ended my life. How did I not remember this earlier? I... I stripped the plastic off of a bunch of wires on my computer, I drew a bath, plugged in the computer, and dropped it in with me. That explains why I could see my bathtub, I guess. Man, what on earth. Where am I?! If I'm dead, why can I still... see things? Why can I hear the faucet dripping? Am I just going to be trapped here forever, in this dark cave?! [[Calm down. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're dead if you could see your bathtub.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> You gotta call someone, $name. My parents or something. No, the police. You gotta call an ambulance. What if I'm still alive? What if I'm just unconscious? Like, maybe this didn't kill me?! Please. I'm in Redmond, Oregon. The apartment complex is called Headrow Ridge. I'm in 36B. Second floor. [[... This isn't funny anymore, man. How do you have that information about me?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> What? I'm serious. Please, you gotta help me. I don't want to die. I thought I did, I've thought I wanted to die for a long time, but please, you need to call someone. I don't want this anymore. [[I live in those apartments.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Wha-- you do? That's really weird, man. Are you hooked up to the ethernet? [[Yeah...?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> So am I. Holy smokes. This is batshit, dude. It doesn't matter. Please, please just call somebody. I don't want to be trapped here forever. [[Hold on, man. This could go a couple different ways.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Like what?! I'm going to die if I'm left here. Nobody knows what I did except you. My neighbor has my cat for at least a week, and by the time she calls anybody, I'll be dead. [[You think we're able to talk because we're connected to the same ethernet, right? If they take you out of that tub, you'll be left alone in there.]] [[You did this to yourself, Merlin. Maybe it's only right you see it through to the end. There's no guarentee that a doctor could save you, anyways.]] [[You know what? This is too much for me. I'm sorry, man. I can't really believe any of this. I'm gonna go.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I... I didn't think of that. But what other option do I have? I'll either recover, or die, or... be trapped in my head for the rest of my life, I guess. Two out of three of those possibilites seem pretty bad. What if I wind up trapped in here forever? What if I become a vegetable, and I have to live in here alone? Eventually, someone would just pull the plug on me. [[Well, in the end, it doesn't really matter. Either way, you are going to wind up alive and well or dead.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Wha-- are you serious? Sure, there's no guarantee. $name, I know I did this to myself, but you have to listen to me. *I don't want this anymore.* I don't want to die. I don't want to potentially be alone for all of eternity. What if the afterlife is just like this? Stuck in some eternal, isolated darkness? Please, $name, I'm begging you. Call someone. Anyone. The police, an ambulance. [[Okay, hold on.]] [[I'm serious, Merlin. You wanted this. Maybe it's best you just go through with it.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> What? Wait, don't go. Look, if you don't believe me... we live in the same apartments, right? Go knock on my door. Nobody will answer! Hell, go knock on my neighbor's door and meet my cat! She's in 34B. [[Look... no, Merlin. I've played your game long enough. I hope you got what you wanted out of this.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Probably similar to how I feel. I can't bear this, man. I couldn't imagine being trapped in here forever. [[Do you think folklore-Merlin knew what happened to him?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Maybe. I imagine he would be really confused, too. But in the end, he kind of brought it on himself. Nimeu wouldn't have taken such a strong action if Merlin wasn't threatening to her in some kind of way. [[So you think it's possible to deserve such a fate?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> It's harsh, but yeah. Actions have consequences, and sometimes you have to live with those consequences. Or die with them. I would kill myself if I were trapped in a cave like that, if I knew there was no way out. I guess making him immortal was the most severe part of what Nimeu did to him. It truly trapped him. Even death couldn't be his escape. At least us mortals always have that option. [[You're pretty dark, you know that?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> It's just reality. [[Maybe we should focus on the last thing you remember?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Yeah, but at least I'd have a chance at living again. Whatever this is right now, wherever I am, this isn't living. I'm terrified of being trapped in here alone, man. What if death is even worse than this? What if death is being trapped, alone, for all of eternity? [[You'd have a chance at least if I called an ambulance.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Exactly. Please, call them. [[Okay, hold on.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Thank god. Thank you, so, so much, $name. God, I'm shaking. I don't know what you should tell them. Maybe say you know me or something. There's no way they would believe what... well, they wouldn't believe how you really know. ... ... What happened? Are they on their way? [[I just got off the phone. They're on their way. I didn't give them my name or anything.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe I went through with this. It's a goddam miracle I am still alive. At least, I think I am. What if I don't make it through this... [[I guess the only thing to do is to wait.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I can't get this out of my head, man. What if I die? What will death really be like? I've thought so many times about it, and I don't think I ever really decided on anything. I just guessed it would be better than life. But I never would have imagined that this is possible, what's happening now, being trapped like I am. I never appreciated how much I don't know about things like that. I guess I just didn't care much about what would happen once I die. It didn't seem as important as getting out of the life I was living. Escape. That's the whole point, isn't it? [[Well, to be honest, you might be finding that answer pretty soon.]] [[I think a bigger concern might be the possibility of being stuck in a persistent vegetative state.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I should have been more sure before I did this. I figured it would be nothingness, just the end, not even blackness... now, I'm not so sure. How can anybody truly know, though? Faith in an afterlife is just a belief, same as faith in no afterlife. We don't really have a stinkin' clue what happens when we die, do we? Even yesterday, I was so sure that it was all a load of hooey. Heaven, I mean. Now... that's all I'm hoping for. Something nice, peaceful. I don't want this to be the end. I don't want oblivion. I want my life back. If I get another chance, things are going to be different. [[I've heard stories of people that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge and survived. They all say they regretted their decision on the way down.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> You mean being trapped in my head with a vegetable for a body? That's kind of what I'm guessing is happening now. Somehow my body and brain are still alive, but I have no idea for how long. I hope that ambulance gets here soon. If I am trapped in here... I don't know what I would want my family to do with me. Keep me on life support to see if I get better? Pull the plug on me? What if I end up like that Terri Schiavo woman, being kept in a vegetative state for nearly a decade? I... I would go mad. Alone, for that long? In life I at least had the choice to be alone. But trapped like this? Death wouldn't even be an option for me. I wouldn't be able to tell anybody what I wanted to have happen to me. [[Well, you probably left a note, right? Did you say anything about that?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Ugh... no, I didn't. I was sure this would work. I guess that was kind of stupid of me, but really, I never imagined it could go so wrong. I figured the worst case scenario would be that I'd just wake up in the bathtub, totally fine. What if they take me to the hospital, and we aren't able to communicate anymore? This is probably a freak thing, us being able to talk. Hell, I don't know if I believe it at all in the first place. Maybe you're God, or something, some kind of spirit. I don't want to be alone. Oh god, $name, I don't want to be trapped in here by myself. [[I hear sirens. I think the cops and ambulance are almost here.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> If I don't recover... I need someone to be able to advocate for me. You're the last person who would know what I really want, $name. [[Well, what would you want? To be kept on life support, or to die?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I've heard that, too. Honestly, though, I always just shoved that aside. Like, it's the brain's function to want to survive, so of course they would want to live as soon as they're falling to their death, right? I never took those stories seriously. I never paused to consider that they might have led an amazing, renewed life after that experience. I just figured they went right back to being depressed and trying to find a better way to die. [[How are you feeling now? Do you think you'll just try to kill yourself again, if you make it through this?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Hell no. If I make it through this... I don't know what will happen, but I know I will never put myself here again. I don't want to end up somewhere worse than where I was already. I wish there was some way to know what the true end is like. But it's occurring to me that there are no guarentees. Dying is a huge risk, really. We might just end up in some other worse, more meaningless existance. There's this Franz Kafka quote that used to mean a lot to me. I don't remember it exactly, but it was something along the lines of how one grows to no longer be ashamed to die. Instead, they want to be moved from one cell that they hate, to a new one, which they will only eventually come to hate. [[That sounds a little bit like reincarnation to me.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Maybe at first. The way I saw it, it was that I would get some sort of relief in taking my own life. That no matter where I ended up, if it wasn't total oblivion, I would have a fresh start. Only in time would I screw it up enough to hate it again. [[That's... really not much better. You seem like you want to live, but you also sound kind of like you don't believe anything will be much better.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I don't have an answer for you, $name. I *want* things to be better. Maybe this time, I will be willing to try harder. Therapy, maybe. I don't know. Something. Anything. [[Well... Oh, the medics are here. They didn't have their sirens on.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> That's... There's a lot to unpack there. If I'm kept on life support long enough, maybe I would recover? Or maybe it would just prolong a miserable, terrified, lonely existence? [[To my understanding, they have to keep you on life support for a couple of months at least before pulling the plug really becomes an option. For legal reasons, or something.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Oh, to officially know if I'm a vegetable or just in a coma, right? I've heard similar things, I think. If there's any sort of chance to recover, I would want to take that. But I can't... I just can't imagine being trapped in here for so long. I just want things to be normal again. I want to be able to take it all back. I wish I had never done this. [[I hope you get that chance, Merlin.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[Merlin?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[You still there, buddy?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[(Exit Command Prompt)|tiiime]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> So what, you want me to sit in this bathtub until I die? Who knows how long I have left, man. If I die, you're the one to blame here, $name. [[I'm not the one who intentionally dropped a bunch of live wires in my bathtub.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Oh, seriously? Come on, $name. This isn't right. I... I made a mistake. I gave up. I didn't make this decision lightly, but I mean, it was all I could see anymore. I took an economics class in college once. The teacher, he always said something that really stuck with me. "We make the best decisions we can, given the information we've got." I didn't have all the information. I know more now. And I don't want this anymore. I regret what I've done. If I could take it back, I would. [[Unfortunately, that's not how life works. I'm not trying to be mean, man. It's just, there's probably nothing that can be done anyways. You made this decision, and now this is your consequence.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Okay, so now you're like, playing God or something? You know what... whatever. It doesn't matter. If you're not going to call anybody... Is this really it? Is this really what's going to happen? [[Death?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> No, a goddam pizza party. Yes, death. Is this really how I'm going to die? In a cold bathtub, trapped in my mind, waiting to starve or for my heart to stop beating or my brain to die? I wonder if I'll feel it happen. [[I really don't know, but I'd like for you to describe it to me as it happens.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> That's kind of sick, $name. Whatever. It doesn't matter. Maybe it will be abrupt, painless. I've read that people experience a surge of energy in their brainwaves right at the moment they die. They think that's where near-death experiences come from, that sudden burst of electricity. It's probably the body's last attempt to keep itself going. Maybe there will be flashbacks. Honestly, I don't think I want that. I don't want to relive all of my shitty mistakes and time wasted. [[It's possible that you could see your life from a different perspective. Realize that it wasn't so bad.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I don't think I would want that, either. I feel bad enough as it is. I guess this is the action I chose to take. Now I have to live with it... die with it, whatever. It's all the same to me now. I can only hope it will be sudden. I don't want to feel it coming. I don't want to experience what I did right before I dropped the computer into the bathtub. [[What was going through your head right before you did?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I had to keep convicing myself to do it. It was terrifying, believe me. I kept thinking "no, no, there's got to be another way." Stupid me. I thought courage was what I needed to do it. Maybe it's the opposite in reality... maybe courage is what I needed to *not* do it. I told myself, "if you don't do it now, you're a pathetic loser who can't do anything right, even killing yourself." Some really mean things, you know. I talked myself into doing it by calling myself a wimp. Ha, I guess that's almost funny. Guess I really *can't* do anything right, even killing myself. Well, it's coming anyways. This was just a little... detour. Who cares! Whatever! This is what I wanted, and this is what I'm getting. Forget regrets. Doesn't matter anymore, does it? [[I suppose not.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> It's like some sort of cruel joke. At this rate, the afterlife is going to just be a repeat of my life. The same old stuff, over and over again. Well, I don't have the choice anymore. Funny, I've always been kind of this way in life. When presented with a choice, I just hide and wait until I don't have any options anymore. You know, so I don't have to decide, so it's decided for me. Obviously dropping live wires into my bathtub was a choice, but now I get to be here, where any choice to change anything is gone. I just get to go through whatever comes next, for better or for worse. Not a great way to live life, but it worked. I finally made a choice, to end my life, and this is how it turns out. Ha. [[Well, at least you've still got your humor...]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[Merlin?|Where u go]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> Good god, please, don't go. Don't just leave me like this. I'll die if I'm left here. [[Whatever, man. This isn't funny. This is sick. I'm not interested anymore. Goodbye.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I'm begging you, $name. At least stay and talk to me. I don't want to be alone in here. [[I'm going to disconnect now. Goodbye, Merlin. I hope you quit screwing with people and go get a life.]]

[[(Exit Command Prompt)|weeks pass]]

... ... (Weeks pass) [[(Read the morning newspaper)|Obituary]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> [[Hey, morning. You still there?]]

<img src="obituary.jpg" alt="Obituaries" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> <a href="https://spookysound.itch.io/"; target="_blank">Spooky Sound (itch.io)</a> <a href="https://www.patreon.com/spookysound"; target="_blank">Spooky Sound (Patreon)</a>

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[Are you still there, Merlin?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[Shit. Merlin, I'm sorry.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[(Exit Command Prompt)|weeks pass]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> I'm scared, $name. I'm scared of what's going to happen. I don't want to be trapped in here. I don't want to lose my only contact to the outside world. [[Take it easy. They're here to help you, Merlin. I'm sure they'll do the best they can to get you out of... whatever kind of coma you seem to be in.]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[Merlin?|Access denied]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[You there? Merlin?]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[Can you hear me?!]]

<img src="commandprompt.png" alt="Command Prompt" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> ERROR: ACCESS DENIED. [[(Exit Command Prompt)|wait]]

... ... (Weeks pass) [[(Read the morning newspaper)|Recovery]]

... ... (Weeks pass) [[(Read the morning newspaper)|PVS]]

<img src="recovery.jpg" alt="Miracle Recovery" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> <a href="https://spookysound.itch.io/"; target="_blank">Spooky Sound (itch.io)</a> <a href="https://www.patreon.com/spookysound"; target="_blank">Spooky Sound (Patreon)</a>

<img src="PVS.jpg" alt="PVS" style="height: 100%; width: 100%; object-fit: contain"> <a href="https://spookysound.itch.io/"; target="_blank">Spooky Sound (itch.io)</a> <a href="https://www.patreon.com/spookysound"; target="_blank">Spooky Sound (Patreon)</a>

(set: $name to (prompt: "What is your name?", "")) Nice to meet you, $name. [[How did you find me?|How]]